Achieving my goal

My goal this week is to maintain using skills, even just a few, through difficult times. I've had a very up and down week, some happy days, some sad and some just neutral where I just couldn't be bothered. The one thing I discussed with my case manager last Wednesday was my need to just keep on keeping on. In one way I want to give up doing my skills and in another way I just can't - I must continue to do them in order to recover from this debilitating illness. I'm just so tired of not living an everyday existence without having to be mindful/aware of all the things I do/feel/think and say and I'm tired of having to do them to survive not only this existence but tiny little things that cause me to have a melt down. However, I know in my heart of all hearts that these skills will get me through. These tools will help me to be a better person, to deal with distress and conflict, to keep my emotions in check and build a road to recovery. I made a goal with my case manager that I would just pick out just a few skills to do daily this week instead of going gung ho like I do by picking 15 everyday. So here I am posting about the skills that I have successfully done today. 

 Played with aromatherapy playdough

Skill - Distress Tolerance (self soothe - feel/touch)

Skill - Distress Tolerance (distress tolerance - smell)

 Played 4 pics 1 word on my phone

Skill - Distress Tolerance (distracting with an activity)

 Typed up an achievement (later printing it, cutting into strips and pasting into art journal)

Skill - Distress Tolerance (distracting with an activity)

Skill - Emotion Regulation (being unmindful of worries)

 Edited a document I didn't want to edit

Skill - Emotion Regulation (opposite to emotion action)

Skill - Distress Tolerance (distracting with an activity)

 Did some painting (not my best work but it kept me busy)

Skill - Distress Tolerance (distracting with an activity)

The positives I must take from doing the skills today is that it has distracted me from thinking about my failing marriage and ruminating about how to deal with this. Willingness is the key. If I curled up in a ball the only thing I'd be willing to do is just that and not my skills. I know now that if I didn't have these skills I would normally not be coping at all during this period in my life. Even though they sometimes feel so difficult to do I am still so grateful that I have the DBT skills on board.

Remembering Skills

***Triggering post. Please do not read if you are easily triggered***

As I've mentioned before, due to financial constraints I am unable to attend DBT sessions (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy for the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder). This includes weekly group therapy classes (the teaching of skills), weekly homework (where you have to follow through with skills) and phone coaching (the ability to call a DBT trainer when you feel you need reminding of skill usage). Luckily I am able to continue seeing my individual therapist that is under the umbrella of this particular DBT program, however because I have used up all of my yearly rebates from Medicare I am out of pocket $150 every time I visit with her. Unfortunately, since leaving DBT at the end of June I have not yet had a chance to meet up with my therapist and lately I have just been struggling to maintain skills. 

At the start of the year I was meant to check in with the free psychiatrist at the Mental Health clinic in which I was hospitalised a year ago. I never made the appointment and for some reason a psychologist has started calling me from the clinic and since then she has become my case manager (and it's free). I have just seen her twice in the last 2 weeks and it has just come at the perfect moment because I have been battling the BPD on my own since leaving DBT. 
Unfortunately I haven't had support where I've needed it this past year either. This is mainly because I haven't asked for it but also because I feel that I can't ask for it (from being put down by those I tried to seek help from and a huge break down in my marriage). As well as dealing with my BPD and near divorce, I am also battling PTSD which I've only just discovered I have. I won't get into details as it is triggering for me but this has been happening since the loss of my father which occurred 2 weeks after my diagnosis (almost a year ago). There are many reasons as to why I have become traumatised by this but again I won't go into it here. I feel embarrassed to say that I even have PTSD on this blog because so far one of my sister's and my husband have poo pooed the idea. This has had a profound impact on me not seeking help from other members in my family and I am choosing not to seek help from my husband. Therefore, I am feeling extremely alone (even more so than the borderline symptoms of 'aloneness').

Now I am facing all of the anniversary dates of triggering events that have occurred in the past year and now more than ever I need skills to get me through. My pure determination to not be hospitalised again is really the main thing that keeps me going but a lot of days I just want to give up (skills). I am exhausted from doing these skills but also lonely because I feel like I  have no one close to share my successes and failures with. 

Even though all of the above is moping I have come prepared. I wanted to post to actually focus on the subject of 'maintaining skills even when you don't want to' or 'maintaining skills even when it is just so hard to'. Because I can't think of any other better way for me to maintain skills during this time I am just going to do one of the challenges I set for myself a few weeks ago and that is to just do 5 skills a day and post about it. I enjoyed doing it and at least I can set myself this goal to achieve 5 a day and be proud that I can actually keep doing it when things are tough. 

Till later. Thanks for reading.