Whatever Works

Today I've decided I'm going to use specific skills to address a couple of things that I've been finding problematic in my current relationship. It's been an issue of mine for years and because it annoys me so much I'm going to try and do something about it instead of waiting for it to magically go away. 

Now I could say that the problem is that 'men don't listen' but if I reworded it I would say 'I find it difficult when I feel like I'm not being heard or listened to'. I know now that it brings up feelings of abandonment and rejection because it feels as though I'm not important when the words that come out of my mouth seem to be for a waste. I can talk about what I've done during the day, about what's happened to someone I know, have actual conversations with my other half and then it's like the words did not even get exchanged. The way I used to try and fix this problem is to not talk. It didn't work. It won't work. I even used to say the word 'sex' before speaking to gain the other genders attention. That certainly got their attention but then they couldn't concentrate. I've also tried many times to explain how I feel but I think now perhaps I need to be more mindful of how I react, what skills to use to deal with the emotions and learn to improve the situation and do something that is effective. 

The skills in the following list that I will talk about are skills that have been created by Dr Marsha Linehan, the founder of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). Use this link to find out more on DBT. 

I think the specific skills that I'll try to solve the problem above will be ...

1. using the GIVE skill - an acronym to be able to communicate more effectively by being GENTLE, acting INTERESTED, VALIDATING, using an EASY MANNER. 

This may help me to remember not to get stroppy when the 'not listening' occurs. It should remind me to continue being an effective listener myself. I'm hoping it will help me to decrease my feelings of sadness because when I am sad, he's sad because he blames himself. 

2. Effectively using what works (mindfully) - simply put, this is to try and find whatever seems to work well. So when he's doing something that completely takes his mind off anything in the room (i.e reading a book), I'm going to call his name and wait for him to look at me and stop what he's doing the I will talk. I will of course tell him beforehand this is what I want to try. 

3. Identify the emotion. If I'm able I'm going to try really hard to spot the emotion right when I feel it then get my DBT worksheets to try to understand more about why I feel the way I do. This is one of the hardest skills I'm yet to master as I can feel about 7 different emotions in 10 seconds so I guess a bit of practice is desperately needed. 

I'll try really hard to do the above skills and see where it gets me. I'll keep you posted.